It feels like I stabbed myself with a serrated knife. The handle drips in blood. And the process of pulling it out hurts even more; with each tug, another cut, another scar. But that's the way to get it out, to bear the unbearable pain. I have to get this out of me if I am to move on but I'm too cowardly to do it, I lack the guts to face my own fears and monsters. So I leave it half protruding out of my body, hidden beneath the ordinariness of my clothes.

"There is a difference between nothing and no thing. Nothing implies the existence of something--nothing."

This was today:

I woke up with the heavy feeling of loneliness settling around me. I had that reoccurring thought that we are by very nature individualistic beings, venn diagrams that don't intersect. I was thinking in the train how of hard people try not to accidentally brush up against the random stranger next to them. How we give them as wide a breath as we can. And that in KL there are close to 7 million people, and in this over crowded train station there must be close to a thousand. How would we find anyone here? How often do we pass by people we once knew, or people we will met later in the future, and how often do we miss them by seconds? In this over populated world, I felt alone.

The irony of it all was when I bumped into a friend on the escalator.

look away.

For the love of God people, learn how to write a proper research paper. You don't cite blogs. You don't even look at them when writing your paper. And About.com is not a good source! We are in degree, and this is a research paper. Please learn this so I don't have to actually pull out my hair.

I'm sorry, so sorry I have to say this, because I know not everyone had the wonderful opportunity to learn English as a first language, but please, don't plagiarize or think that changing or adding two words counts paraphrasing. Its not. You can't even copy a paper you wrote before---you can't plagiarize yourself. If I have to go through years of this, I'm going to be horrible and picky and am actually going to choose my teammates on writing ability. Or I am just going to do solo work.

edit: LINKS TO A SITE YOU DIDN'T CITE? WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH THEM?
There, got it out of my system. End of my horribly biting, insensitive rant.

I wish I could explain why I am starting to feel sad again, that heavy feeling that doesn't dissipate. I wish I knew.

At the very least, I had a good interim.

it isn't easy to watch yourself grow disillusioned of the things you once believed in. To look at the institutions of society, and to realize that they must be flawed because they are man-made. To realize that they are degrading. They are the ideal constructs and systems we set on how a society should function. Laws are not full proof, they do not protect everyone, and they are not always just. Laws and law makers are on the search for justice, for fairness, but can we achieve such states? Ideals are by definition something you strive to reach for but never do. The star you can't touch. Plato speaks of this search for ideals, the search for the true form and definition. But what if it is our ideals that limit us from creating working institutions?

And then to realize, even with the crumbling of institutions we are taught to put all our hopes in, people still try regardless. I am losing my belief in the institution of marriage for example, and while I admire it, I question if it works. Because its a social contract. Most of us define what a marriage or a relationship should be by the norms of our society. I see relationships fail; I see those same people try again. I have to wonder at the resiliency of mankind, and how desperate we are to not feel alone.

the other day in class we looked up the etymology of the word 'happy'. the root word hap- originally meant chance, good fortune, or an unforeseen occurance.

today I decided to look up 'sad'. How ironic to find out it originates from the root word sated, meaning enough or sufficient.

How ironic pejorations and ameliorations can be. I remember learning that nice used to mean fool, and that naughty was once equivalent to evil. They were my favourite examples of the evolution of word meanings. I used to joke with a friend that it was possible to insult someone without their knowledge by calling them nice.

but sadness and satisfaction? The contrasting words bring up a strange thought: do we in a sense, sometimes seek sadness and misery? do we find satisfaction in feeling down? are we in turn, pleased that we are miserable creatures, do we take pleasure in moping about our pain and depressed states? it is a compelling question, especially since we so rarely try to escape from the ditches we dig for ourselves.

How far do we dig before the air gets too thick to breathe? Before we choke on our own breath?

blood donations, lamb pita, deep conversations, and the stressful rush to finish one's assignments before the clock strikes twelve. What a day. 

the list of books I bought today

I'm ridiculously giddy over the books I bought today. which inclusive of a Rm150 coupons, totaled up to RM250--which means yay, I only had to pay roughly a RM100. The history geek in me is happy.

Ancient Inventions.
Greek Fire, Poison Arrows, and Scorpion Bombs: Biological and chemical warfare in the ancient world
Art, A New History.
From Socrates to Sartre: The Philosophic Quest
The Philosophical Life
The Oxford History of Medieval Europe

not for light consumption.

In the following exist the presumption that there is a God and that he created Man, and my limited understanding of my own faith. You are warned, nonetheless.

you mentioned the Garden of Eden, and how to be created with the ability to sin is flawed. Inherited sin and so on.

And I realized I never questioned the assumption of inherited sin, perhaps because it is so ingrained in Catholicism. I never questioned man's ability to sin; by and large it was a fact of life for me because it is so prominent in our lives. I accepted that we could, and so that we must re-compensate for this. It is interesting to see how much I accept on fate. Bear in mind I an no means threatened nor defensive, but merely trying to expand my own understanding and organize my thoughts. I in no ways intend this to be a religious debate. I can't say or argue for or against Christianity in another point of view because I lack the knowledge to do so. My mom's side of the family is Catholic, and up until the last 10 to 5 years, not particularly devout. God fearing, church going people, but not ones to be particularly strict. But it was the world I was raised in, so to say. I wasn't baptized as a baby, on the contrary my dad believed that such a momentous choice as religion should be left to an age when you understood what you were getting into. And if you chose something else, or chose not to believe, so be it. He was Buddhist as is the rest of his side of the family. Like your average Catholic kid however, I went for Sunday classes even with the exception that had to sit out on Communion and Confirmation and occasionally went to the temple. When I was home schooled my Bible Studies books were Protestant in nature, so if I do jumble things up, do excuse me. I have a rather liberal view on religion too, so you might have to forgive that while you are at it. There are premises in Catholicism that I don't  particularly agree on, such as the how confession is necessary for all (rather selfishly for me, I like to think I can talk to God and ask for forgiveness directly without going through a channel) and like what you said, that non-Christians are condemned to a hellish after life (again, for selfish reasons). In trying to understand the second however, I am relearning it. Have I been told it often? Yes. But I haven't thought about it recently, and so never took the initiative to look it up in depth until now. As a kid, I remember my mom telling me that in the end we all stand by the gates of heaven are are judged by our actions, and that if there was leniency, it would be for the non-believers. Christians who knew the laws and still committed sin were more likely to be punished. And I am guessing this was much more easier than telling your kid that her dad and grandmother and friends were going to burn in a pit of fire. I remember her saying later on that Vatican II had changed this; I'm trying to find more information on this [found. read Edit]. Personally, I believe that a mere belief in Christ doesn't save you if your sins are without regret; similarly, a lack of belief because one chose not to believe or was never exposed to Jesus doesn't condemn a person, if they live a virtuous life and am sorry for the wrongs committed.

Edit: 1260 "Since Christ died for all, and since all men are in fact called to one and the same destiny, which is divine, we must hold that the Holy Spirit offers to all the possibility of being made partakers, in a way known to God, of the Paschal mystery."⁶³ Every man who is ignorant of the Gospel of Christ and of his Church, but seeks the truth and does the will of God in accordance with his understanding of it, can be saved. It may be supposed that such persons would have desired Baptism explicitly if they had known its necessity." (Vatican, 'Catechism for the Catholic Church') 


"Nor is God far distant from those who in shadows and images seek the unknown God, for it is He who gives to all men life and breath and all things, and as Saviour wills that all men be saved. Those also can attain to salvation who through no fault of their own do not know the Gospel of Christ or His Church, yet sincerely seek God and moved by grace strive by their deeds to do His will as it is known to them through the dictates of conscience. Nor does Divine Providence deny the helps necessary for salvation to those who, without blame on their part, have not yet arrived at an explicit knowledge of God and with His grace strive to live a good life. Whatever good or truth is found amongst them is looked upon by the Church as a preparation for the Gospel" (Vatican, 'Lumen Gentium')

The rites of Catholicism deal by and large with original sin, mortal sin, and venial sin. So here's the best I can summarize from what I have read. To the Catholic Church is goes as such: original sin is what we contracted, different from mortal and venial sin, which are those we commit. The burden of the act of eating the apple and giving into temptation belongs to Adam--that is his personal sin. Before, Adam and Eve were free from death (immortality), free from pain (impassibility), 'freedom for disordered desires' (integrity), and freedom from ignorance (knowledge of what was necessary for happiness). I can't find anything that says if they knew what evil was and choose behave in a goodly manner, nor the opposite. I read an article that suggest that it was the act of craving the apple, the sudden lust, pride and material want that filled Eve that was the catalyst.  This sudden entrance of feelings that were not present prior. In any case, Adam and Eve did fall into temptation and as such there was sin and death. If this is what you meant by paying for things inherited that we didn't do, yes. The Catholic idea is that we are wounded, not destroyed by sin, and thus (to put it crudely) salvageable. And the closest illustration I could find is this:
"Likewise, one can pass the effects of one’s sins through generations. Let’s say that someone is an alcoholic. His original choice to abuse alcohol could have disastrous effects on his family that can last for generations, including influencing his children and grandchildren to abuse alcohol. This is not because they are guilty of their father’s sin but because dependency on alcohol is the only way they learned to deal with problems. In that way one can say that the sin of the father has been passed down through generations. It is not the actual fault that is passed down but the consequences of the original sinful choice." (http://www.catholic.com)

So if you consider that we no longer live in Eden as punishment, yes. We are paying in that sense. Which I suppose what makes such a great tie in religiously and plot wise to the sacrifice of Jesus.

My thoughts on it are only half formed, but here they are, however contradictory. I think we would lose our sense of self if we lived in perfection. I never want to live in a Utopia, simply because if everything was good and happy I wouldn't know enough to appreciate it because I wouldn't have sadness to compare it to.  If all you ever knew was a world of good, a true Utopia, an Eden where you frolicked and cared not for consequences because there were none, then your actions wouldn't be truly good, but merely a reaction for not knowing anything else but sinless action. We wouldn't be making the choice to do good, it would also be as forced on us in ignorance. Because there is no option to do a wrong, to commit a sin. Instead we do the right thing because its the only option. Would we understand our own actions?

If I suddenly decided to snort cocaine, yes I want a slap in the head. It would be wrong to stand and not do something. But you have removed the choice from me to decide. The intent however would still be there, because I didn't make the executive decision to not snort cocaine; what's to say I wouldn't attempt it later?
Don't we learn from our mistakes more so than when we get something right? Say I tried to learn how to swing a bat. At the very least we can eliminate what we did wrong, the wrong moves I made. But if I did hit the ball, how do I repeat the action? how do I determine what exactly I did right to repeat the action again?

We are on a constant pursuit for perfection in all its glory. We ourselves display perfectionist traits, because perhaps we find ourselves lacking in it. There's this hollowness, the void we need to fill with outward perfection. If we were able to create beings, we would try to create them in such a way that they would be perfect. We wouldn't want our creations to carry flaws. I don't know how true this is for others, but for me personally, my mistakes often turn out for the best. A wrong brush stroke turns the dull into something else all together.

by the way: Abraham's Bosom. 

blank pages. pages ans pages of nothing. there's so much that i want to write, but find myself hesitating.

it's easier to sleep my day away than to open my eyes and face the loneliness of my reality.