“I believe in nothing, not the end, and not the start.”
--100 Suns, 30 Seconds to Mars
Such haunting words. It startled me at the beginning how true those words ring in my head. I was still the moment I first heard those opening lines, holding the earphones closer, so each and every word could resonate through me. The next day isn’t a new beginning, New Year’s has never been a day to mark the beginnings of a new life to me; life is a continuum.
I’m sitting outside in the garden, hearing the TV going on inside. My pet rabbit is keeping me company. And all that I’m thinking is that life is a continuum. I’ll be starting my degree in a few days, and that has had me petrified for a while. I can’t imagine beginning all over again. I’ve been dreading making friends all over again, watching the cliques gather, and knowing that the first few months are but a trial in friendship. We put on our best faces because we don’t want to be alone. Being alone is being vulnerable. And oh how we humans hate baring our souls. What if I have can’t make friends I trust? What will I do with my empty hours between classes? And the part of my brain that stresses a need for independence screams at my own insecurities. The loner in me scoffs my head, because truth be told, solitude is my refuge. I find I can enjoy solitude when I make the conscious decision to be alone. But that doesn’t mean I don’t fear being left alone, not when it’s forced upon me.
So I have been fearing these days that lead up to it. I have been fearing the beginning. But it isn’t. Is it? It will just be another three years of my life. And no matter how bad some of those are going to be, they will only be part of a stretch of days that make up my life, days that will be filled with both sadness and joy and always, numbness. Because it is a continuum. I have changed daily, slowly, unnoticeably; as momentous as starting a new chapter of my life will be, I choose if I want to be defined by it. Just because I start my degree doesn’t automatically me that I’ll be a different person. I have always been changing. When are we ever constant?
It is just another string of days. And I choose how I spend it. Change shouldn’t be limited to the big events in our lives. If I change anything about myself, it has to start today, doesn’t it? Because it shouldn’t be held down to an event. I’ve always made some friends in new situations. And if I have done this countless times before, I should be able to do it again. And again. Because I’m going to not let myself fear rejection. I’m not going to fear the beginning of things, not when it’s dawning on me that ‘beginning’ is but a word. A word that carries more dread than it actually deserves. Why do I fear beginnings? I’m not entirely sure. It’s the fear of failing, and failing so badly I don’t want to start. Even when I crave to. So I’m not going to think of this as beginning.
I found lavenders growing outside the gate in a vase yesterday. I never noticed them before. When once keeping them in careful tender care in the shade, where we would always see them, led each stalk to whither, their tiny purple buds crumbling at a touch, the plant is somehow thriving outside. Somehow they survived; they never really left.So I'll take their example. It’s not starting over. I’m merely continuing where I left off.
