moving on

It helps to wake up with thoughts about lavender.

For these past months, I have been in a state of limbo. It might have been years. I don’t think I have ever been too detached from numbness to differentiate when I am not in such a state. But I have been drowning, being pulled by inches deeper into the currents of nothingness with each dreary month. I have felt for the longest time that I was a page of written words whose ink was fading with time. I was losing my sense of self. In small degrees, I still am I think. I’m not too sure who I am exactly.

There was once a time where I was independent to my very core. I didn’t require company. I could do very well on my own. I could socialize when necessary, and take the step forward to be friendly. I think I have been fading for a while now. The opportunity that homeschooling gave, the opportunity to run from the oppressiveness of high school, has left I think its own dire effects. It gave me freedom; I did not have to face the darker, meaner side of myself. I removed myself from the environment that perpetuated that. I planted myself in a secluded sanctuary that was fill with children too young to really play the games I used to. There were no power games, no manipulation, and no backstabbing lies to the degree I was familiar with. It was a relief. But I think I held me back as well. I was worried for a long time about being left alone. Where was the independent girl then? I was never one to force my opinion on others, but surely, surely I used to stand up for what I believed in and for my friends? When did I grow meek?

So perhaps the fact that I am now divided from the friends I cling to in college is a blessing in disguise. They are great friends, friends that I have felt closer to than ones I have known my whole childhood. Don’t misunderstand me. But having to make new friends all over again left me dreading university. So the separation in many ways was necessary. We will meet up for lunches and talk, but we will never share the same classes again. We won’t spend hours in each others’ company. There is something sad in that. But I am realising I can’t grow if I cling to the same people for the rest of my life. I spent the first few days with people whom I thought only tolerated my friendship out of courtesy, only to now seeing the potential in these budding friendships. I made new friends, separate from the previous group. I’m hoping I can keep this up. Because I haven’t been this bubbly, this friendly, in a long, long while. There’s a lack of reservation in this new self of mine. And I can’t express how glad I am that I am not holding myself back, that my fears aren’t holding me captive. I don’t get as embarrassed as easily. I’m opening up. When have I not felt embarrassed by my every mistake?

I am holding my own.

I still feel numb. But at least there’s now a sense of relief that accompanies it.