multiple letters and persons.

I wish money weren't a factor. I wish it didn't matter. 

I think it's wonderful that some of us have that choice. 

But I feel like I am running on a limited supply of time. I have a list of things I want to do with my life, there is so much I want to learn, but circumstances won't allow it. For the next few years my life will play according to the rules of society so that my brothers can play to the rules of society. Because it wouldn't be right to deprive them of something merely for selfish reasons. And maybe, maybe when I have made sure everything stable for all of them, I can finally go on that journey to leave my own world and culture behind. 

So you ask, will I do my degree in the states? 

------

I recently got a call from my dad saying that he injured his back. And I guess it just all made me realized that it will be a matter of time before he tires himself out. I really wonder how we make it by sometimes. I wonder how you can not tire yourself looking after mom, and Dom, and Ahmah. 

------

I have to wonder at the human drive to survive. How that at our lowest low, when we lose our sense of self, when we are psychically crippled and weakened, how do some have such spirit to pick themselves back up again? To try to learn to walk again, three times. I know we joke about it, how pssh learning to walk once isn't such a big accomplishment, not when have you have had to learn it repeatedly. How whenever things get comfortable, something happens and we all end up at square one again. I am ridiculously proud of you. Because frankly, if it were me, I would have given up. Because, I am surviving. I think if something happened to me, I wouldn't bother. I just don't have the internal strength to do what you and Mom did. 

------

 The other night I had the terrifying dream of losing my fingers. They weren't chopped off, merely crushed so badly I could no longer use them. And with that I lost most of my vehicles of expression. I lost the ability to write, to type, to draw. 

I fear the lost of my eyes. Because then I would be totally submerged in the darkness of my own world. There I would lose colour, I would lose the ability to perceive beauty.

I fear the lost of my mind. I have joked that if I ever lose my mind and fall into Alzheimer's, it would be best to pull the plug because I would no longer be me. It isn't a joke.

listening to Fun, Some Nights Intro.