I feel like I can barely breathe. Like there is this big cloud of gloom pushing down on me, a heavy weight stealing my breath.

I don’t understand why I cried. I don’t understand why there’s this heart ranching sadness hovering around my room.

I need to get out. I would go for a walk if the gates weren’t lock by now.

It’s so suffocating.

I need to get away from myself.

It’s just one of those days I guess, where you feel so alone you don’t understand how you are going to make it through tomorrow. I wonder how I am going to make it through the night.

Tomorrow there will be the sun. But for now I feel like a hollow box, wooden and plain with a rusty lock from being left out in the rain for too long. 

I’ve been having rather gloomy thoughts lately. The latest book I’m reading, Thirteen Reasons Why, has been in my head for days. It’s a haunting book. I can barely bring myself to read it because it speaks such truth and depth about how little we truly know our actions may affect another. And that idea, the idea that I have unintentionally hurt others and remained oblivious to it---that is haunting my hours. I keep thinking that I’m going to get my own box of tapes. Because I sometimes say hurtful things without really thinking it through. I know the words I say can come across as sharp. There are times when I even mean them to be. Not every time, not all the time, but occasionally.

I don’t start of the day with the intention of being mean. But I know I am. I know a little part of me is mean, envious, and hurtful.

But this blog has already been filled with gloomy posts of dark thoughts, and when I read them back I don’t want that heavy blanket to suffocate me. So I won’t write any more on the book I’m reading or how it’s affecting me. At least not for today.

I volunteered to help out as a waitress/butler at an event for the elderly. It was a themed dinner, revolving around hats and more hats.

I made new friends! And then there’s the joy of knowing you did something good. Helper’s high and all that. It’s an uplifting feeling to know you did something of worth. That you didn’t waste your day.